If Car Manufacturers Actually Made What We Want For 2017
We’re moving into car show season. Pretty soon there will be debuts in Los Angeles, Chicago, Detroit and New York and your social media feeds will be full of shiny new cars that you couldn’t care less about. If automakers had a machine that could read our minds, well, there would be a lot of screaming and we’d probably all be ordered into court-mandated therapy. Once the dust had settled and we’d made peace with our respective demons, it would quickly become clear that there’s a disconnect between the heart-stopping fantasy cars of our wildest dreams, and the considerably blander fare that makes it to showrooms.
That doesn’t mean we’re going to stop dreaming, however. Far from it. Here’s our wish list of everything with four wheels that we hope to see for 2017.
10. Two Words: Hellcat Wrangler
Sure, it’s cliché to want to “Hellcat all the things,” but have you ever been out on a long trail drive and thought “I wish I got way worse gas mileage?” Or “If only my Wrangler was more nose-heavy?” Or “Wouldn’t it be sweet if I could flip this rig over by just gently brushing the gas pedal?” I bet you have!
9. Amphibious Dodge Viper
At this point, the designers at SRT must be weeping because there are really no worlds left for the Dodge Viper ACR left to conquer. Having proven its superiority on nearly every racetrack in North America, there remains but one realm that has yet to taste the Viper’s venom. I am talking, of course, about the sea. Earth’s final frontier will only ever be truly become our dominion once the Dodge Viper SRT ACR SCUBA is tied up at the wharf, ready to seriously take some pinks from barracudas and killer whales, bro.
8. 6×6 Ford Focus RS
Ford fans begged for years for the Blue Oval to import its all-wheel drive RS hatch from Europe to take on the Volkswagen Golf R in the battle for compact supremacy. Now that it’s finally here, why ease up on the throttle? As George Orwell once stated so eloquently, “four legs good, two legs bad, six legs better,” clearly a reference to a six-wheeled Focus RS (6?) he glimpsed in a fever dream during the Spanish Civil War.
7. Self-Driving Toyota Prius
Is it wrong to pine for a world where every Toyota Prius is controlled by an autonomous AI that restricts all hyper-miling to the right lane, or, better yet, just drives the owner to the nearest Whole Foods and leaves them there? Let’s make tomorrow today.
6. Mid-Engine Corvette With Cloaking Device
When they came for my round taillights, I said nothing, because I was not a taillight. Then, when they came for my front-engine layout, I again said nothing because I understand that tradition and progress can co-exist on the same plane without the need to freeze time at a specific point in automotive design history. When I ordered my mid-engine Chevrolet Corvette, I ticked the ‘cloaking device’ box so I wouldn’t have to listen to purists whining as I blew past them on the track. To tell you the truth, the mid-engine rumors have been reality since the 1970 prototype. You just didn’t know about them ‘cause they’ve all been cloaked.
5. Dodge SRT Challenger Hellcat Trike
Everyone knows that the Challenger SRT Hellcat needs “more tire,” and there have been all sorts of rumors of wide body Challengers and all-wheel drive. That’s wrong. Here’s what Dodge is really doing. You wanted more tire? Now you can have all the tire. All of it. It’s just one tire back there now. One solid, wide, thick, sticky tire. Nothing else. No axles. No differential. Just tire. Don’t ask us how they did it. It’s definitely not alien technology. Try to spin out now, squirrels.
4. How About Cadillac Just Builds Any One Of The Amazing Concepts From The Past Five Years?
Please pick one, ok people? It doesn’t matter which – Elmiraj, Ciel – they’re all awesome, and so far, made completely out of unobtanium. Why show us such pretty things if we’re not worthy? Why were we programmed to dream?
3. A Ford Mustang With Standard Pedestrian Avoidance Technology (RETROFITTABLE)
It doesn’t matter how you do it – sonar, LIDAR, radar, lasers, satellites, dream-catcher – but there’s gotta be a way to keep Mustangs from decimating crowds at local car meets. Whether its restricting gas pedal travel when humanoids are within a 100 foot radius, or simply deploying an enormous bouncy castle around the car the minute it gets sideways in the parking lot of a Denny’s, please make the technology happen. Ford’s PR people will appreciate it too.
2. Tesla Model U
It’s got 1,600 horses from eight motors powering all four wheels, it’s got a range of 9,000 miles on a single charge, it’s got a lithium-ion pack you can top up in three minutes with a 9-volt battery you bought at Radio Shack, it seats 19, it has a falcon hood and a giant unicorn horn on the roof, it will be available in the third quarter of 2017, and it has absolutely nothing to do with the stock prices.
1. Nissan/Mitsubishi Tie-Up Brings Us Evo X GT R We’ve Always Wanted
It’s clear that Nissan dropped $2.2 billion dollars on 34% of Mitsubishi Motors stock for one reason, and one reason alone: to mash together two of the most exciting performance cars ever to come out of Japan. Sure, there was probably a cheaper way to shoehorn a manual transmission into the Nissan GT R – which is really all we’ve ever wanted – but if buying Mitsubishi for the sole reason of grabbing the Evo X’s five-speed gearbox made sense to Nissan’s CEO, well, we’re not complaining. Because if you think about it, what else does Mitsubishi really have to offer?