The combination of Roadkill and LeMons at the LeMons Winter Rally really brings awfulness to a new level. In keeping with a theme of general incompetence and decay–unfair really, since most of the cars are doing pretty well and everyone seems to be having a good time, allow me to present one of the worst posts ever on Roadkill.com. I’m tired. Eric Rood is tired. Words are hard, so here are our unedited notes from Day 2.
Let’s start with a points tally which is wrong, because a crap ton happened late tonight. See, LeMons ralliers get points for various checkpoints and also for the initial garbageness of their entries. Freiburger and Finnegan hadn’t realized that the first day, but when it occurred to them over a lovely meal of Arbys sliders somewhere in West Virginia that entering a race where you get points for being terrible might actually be something they could win, they got all invigorated and hit a bunch of checkpoints and did some donuts and junk. Anyway, we think we should have about 1,045 points but we’re currently listed in 11th place with 818. Outrage! We demand a tear-down of the leader!
Who is the leader? Let’s look at Eric’s notes:
’86 Cadillac Stretch Limo with an Olds 307. That doesn’t get them forgiveness from the cops in Philippi, WV, for parking in a very badly marked no parking zone. My notes with their last names and more details are in my car and therefore useless to me. The rear wing came off eBay, the interior is plush and grand, everything else is rusty and it mostly feels like it’s falling apart. They also missed a turn on the mountain roads in West Virginia and got their 30-foot limo stuck on a dirt road for a bit (Stuck as in had to back out because where the hell do you turn around a ridiculous limo)?
We’ve also heard it smells of gym pool inside.
Moving on. Today Freiburger and Fin had actual contact with other participants, and in a wild coincidence, the first folks they met were the dude who pinstriped Fin’s boat and that dude’s dad. Their mascot is a freaky stuffed squirrel. Did we mention mascots? Yeah, mascots. Ours is a glossy headshot of the guy who sold us our shortie Lincoln. Fin is jealous of his mustache. To the notes!
’59 International Metro:
Father-Son drivers: Reed (father) and Chastin (son) Brand from Butler, GA. Reed runs a body shop, Chestin does pinstriping. It’s a ’59 International Metro on an ’06 Tahoe chassis with a 4.8L Vortec (Truck LS) engine. The firewall is an old fridge/ice box, which is fitting because they are freezing in it. It’s all been assembled in a little over a month; they were originally going to fly in and buy something.
They liberally applied spray foam all over it to insulate. Handling is a bit adventurous over 55 mph. Borrowed torsion bars from Chastin’s wife’s Z71 Suburban. Propane heater inside.
Great work, Eric. Very beautifully said. You truly are Hunter S Thompson reincarnate. Who else is on this adventure?
’63 Mercedes 200D
Bought in Saltsville, VA, for $900. Gary Mitchell is the main guy and I failed at getting everyone else’s name because I’m bad at this job. It’s a 2.0L diesel four-cylinder with a four-speed on the tree. It’s good for about 60 horsepower and weighs 3,000 pounds empty, let alone with 1,000 pounds of Knoxvegas Lowballers (the team name). Has weird three-spring swing-axle suspension but does have front disc brakes stock (!). Was in bad shape when Gary bought it, had to fix the clutch, which was stuck and the previous owner had bent the pedal just applying huge pressure to it. Also had to rebuild the whole rear floor.
You’re right, Eric. You are sort of bad at this job. Maybe you did better with the Red Chevette team:
Failing brakes going over the mountain. It’s being run by two people who became friends on the first rally, James Da Silva and Amanda Silverstein.
Well, you got the names at least. Baby steps.
Plymouth Volare Wagon
Belongs to one of the guys from The Sloppy Mechanics. You probably remember more info about it from talking to him last night than I do.
I don’t remember anything, Rood. I was drunk. You’re getting worse at this. The Volare might be a slant six. I vaguely remember something like that.
Purple-and-silver Subaru Wagon
Donnie Petrunak took the Amtrak up from Florida to pick up that car in New England, which he’d gotten for the rally sight unseen from a LeMons racer. He’s co-driving with Jason Hopkins. Donnie ran the first rally in a rental Chrysler 300C covered in blue painter’s tape. They were caravanning with the Limo for most of the day.
Is “caravanning a word?” Can I go to bed yet?
Belongs to the Lunar Lemons, who race a Chevy Astro in LeMons and also won the first Rally in a horrible Aerostar. They have a thing for vans. They bought this one with a 6.2L diesel in it on Friday and then hauled it up. They took out some of the seats, put down carpet, and sleep on an air mattress inside.
Sleep! Good idea. We hit the road at 7:00am. Look for us on Tail of the Dragon. Tomorrow is not the day to take your bike up there for canyon-caning. We are gonna ruin that place.
Look, photos! At least Wes Allison isn’t a failure.