Bentley Has Built A Falconry-Edition Bentayga SUV; We Have No Idea What Any Of Those Words Mean

Like all major automotive publications, Roadkill gets its fair share of ignorable press releases. Usually, they get the email equivalent of the circular file, but sometimes I get one with a subject line so indecipherably weird that I click out of curiosity. This morning, I received one that appeared written in some kind of ALL-CAPS code: “BENTAYGA FALCONRY BY MULLINER ­ AN EXQUISITE ACCESSORY FOR AN ANCIENT SPORT.”

I didn’t understand a word of that, so I asked around to the shrimp-and-junket side of the Motor Trend and HOT ROD Magazine office for some explanation:

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(1) BENTAYGA is actually a made-up word, I think (It IS a code!) ED NOTE: The Roque Bentayga is a big sticky-up rock in the Canary Islands, but that doesn’t seem particularly relevant. Also apparently, it’s an uber-expensive luxury Sport Utility Vehicle by Bentley. Bentley, it turns out, is one of the luxury arms of the Volkswagen Auto Group, who have an unfortunate acronym and little humor about it.

(2) FALCONRY is not, as I had assumed, the practice of choking in the Super Bowl. Instead, it involves putting tiny hats on real falcons, leather gloves, some kind of operant conditioning, and vast sums of money for no discernible reason. Parts of that sound like a fun Saturday night, not gonna lie.

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(3) MULLINER makes coachwork for Bentley, which you can interpret as “Makes expensive things expensiver.”

(4) EXQUISITE ACCESSORY represents, so my Motor Trend colleagues say, USB-drive keychains shaped like cars. I’m not sure how this applies to the BENTAYGA FALCONRY.

(5) ANCIENT SPORT I always assumed was banging on things with rocks in order to make them “work.” At least, that’s the ANCIENT Sport that Roadkill is good at.

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I think I’m starting to get the picture here that Bentley has built an SUV with special accommodations for your hat-wearing birds of prey. I find this a perverse application of the word “Utility.” To me, that word means “(barely) able to haul a rancid muscle car 11 miles on a sketchy trailer with 1-3 leaky engines in the back seat.”

But the Volkswagen Auto Group knows their high-end market better than me. They do, after all, build several flavors of bragging rights and offer at least 431 versions of the Porsche 911 that people clamor to buy. This BENTAYGA FALCONRY ANCIENT-SPORT EXQUISITE ACCESSORY set apparently will set you back at least $250,000. That’s enough to buy a fleet of Macho Grandes, guess I’m missing something.

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FALCONRY does sound kinda neat now that I’ve read a bit about it and after a bit of clicking, I found out that people still race homing pigeons. That’s pretty cool and…Oh, no. At 32 years old, I’ve already begun thinking “Birds are pretty neat.” That’s the first sign of getting old and uncool. I’d better quit now while I’m only slightly behind.

We will let Ozzy Man and Portlandia get the final word on this. [Warning: Lots of NSFW language and also the first one is sad.]

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Roadkill Fall 2016 Cover